Sunday, November 23, 2008

When Greek Mythology, Exercise and Parenting Collide

Somewhere in between changing the 1,257th poopy diaper of the day, I started to think about the common elements in Greek mythology and parenting. Yes, I had to study that stuff in high school too.

I’m sure you all know where I’m going with this. After a while, although it is wonderful, parenting tends to get a bit repetitive. And hard. Quite hard.

Which is why I’m thinking the myth of Sisyphus was written by a parent. As I’m sure you remember, Sisyphus was condemned to push a huge boulder up a hill every day for eternity, only to see it roll back down the hill just when he almost made it to the top.

Feels a lot like parenting sometimes.

But, fortunately that’s not the only Greek myth with parental application.

That’s right. I’m talking about Milo and the Bull. And the interesting thing is, historians believe that Milo actually lived. The story goes that when he was a boy his father had him lift his pet calf every day. Not so hard to start with, but when he was done, Milo was carrying around a full-size bull, and apparently he got in good enough shape to win the ancient Olympic wrestling championships six times.

That’s 24 years of total physical domination in sports-obsessed ancient Greece.

So what does Milo, the bull, wrestling, and ancient Olympics have to do with parenting?

Well, one of the most common complaints shared by new parents, besides the utter lack of sleep and multiple diaper changes, zero social life, no time to shower much less shave, etc., is having little or no time or energy to exercise.

It’s not easy, but there is a way. The way that Milo pioneered. It's time to use that baby weight to your advantage. That little 7-pounder may seem small now, but blink once and you’ll be talking about a 180-pound high schooler who wants to wrestle the old man.

And that’s no bull.

That’s why, after almost 15 minutes of research and experience, we have created the Triple Threat Exercise System.

In only 14 minutes a day, you too can shed the baby weight and get that pre-partum bod back, (that’s for husbands or wives) and start thinking about the day when you will actually go outside again. *

This system was designed with parents of multiples in mind, especially if they have an 18-month old daughter as well, but it can be modified to fit any family size.

You know you want your kids to think you’re the strongest man (or woman) in the world even after they turn three.

Come on. You know you do.

*This system is not endorsed by Chuck Norris, and you should always ask your doctor before beginning any exercise regimen. (We know you won’t ask your doctor, but we just have to put that in there.) Also, there are other systems for exercising with babies out there, it’s just that ours is better, and the other ones aren't precocious enough to intelligently weave in Greek mythology.

Let’s do it. (The apparent mess of toys and baby books on the floor are put there to add realism. Our house, is of course, spotless.)

Exerce #1: Baby Bench Press. Lie on floor with baby in arms. Press up. Do 10 reps 2x.

Exercise #2: Baby Walkabout. Hold both babies (or one) in your arms and walk in place or around the house...raising your knees parallel to the floor. Try it for 5 minutes. You'll be surprised.
Variations: Calming calf-raiser. Stand on flat feet, raise heel and lower to ground. Repeat. Calms the babies and gives a good calf muscle burn.

Exercise #3: Baby Squats. Hold babies in arms, lower to a sitting position and stand. Repeat.

Exercise #4: Double Burping Quadricep raiser. Hold both babies as you burp or calm them. Put other child on shins. Raise legs parallel to floor. Repeat.

This is only the beginning. The variations are endless. Happy baby-fat burning.
Repeat for the next 18 years.


Shilo said...

HILARIOUS, you guys! :) Way to keep your sense of humor in the midst of it all!
I get quite a workout packin' around my "little" 16 pounder!

Palmer Surf Crew said...

Yes, that was hilarious. We are all cracking up over here while reading it (Me, Jeff, and Jeff's parents). What I really want to know is how you have the time to contemplate Greek mythology and how it parallels parenthood... are you sure you don't have enough babies to take care of over there? We're sending Kai over... ;) Love you guys!